Artisan Cliff
by Nuyaviel
Summary: holly is captured by a newspaper office during a catastrophe when a troll wandered into disneyland... root asks artemis and butler for help in rescuing her, and unfortunately - or fortunately - artemis comes with lianne, a female classmate.
1. as an equal

CHAPTER ONE  
  
(as an equal)  
  
"Listen, Artemis. It's wonderful that you know what the bloody heck 'sodium chloride' is," Lianne Ramirez snapped. "But – "  
  
Artemis glanced coolly at his lab partner, then turned back to the experiment sheet. "I believe the layman's term is 'table salt,'" he murmured.  
  
"Great. I'm glad we've cleared that up." Lianne scowled. "Too bad it's already written on the board! I was actually asking why you're typing up our experiment sheet, when we have yet to actually perform the experiment."  
  
"I've already done this several times. My results, of course, were accurate. I believe I know more than Professor Stafford does about this experiment. There is simply no point in wasting time doing the experiment when you can just read what I have written and commit it to memory for the test," Artemis explained. He went back to typing, with a speed unusual for one his age, on the computer.  
  
Lianne was tempted to strangle him.  
  
It was the fourth day of classes for students attending Artisan Cliff, an elite private college that was considered to be one of the best in the world. It had a curriculum that combined academic, arts, and athletics. In its brochure, it claimed that over 80% of their graduates went on to gain national or international fame by the age of forty, either as artists, politicians, athletes, et cetera. It had a brilliant staff, excellent facilities, and a school population that was never allowed to exceed 160. Its tuition was also incredibly expensive.  
  
Of course, the students could usually more than afford it. Or at least, their parents could.  
  
Lianne was a rare exception. Her parents wanted her to receive the best education and to marry a wealthy man, so they had scraped and saved for years to come up with money. When they announced that they could finally afford to send their beloved daughter to Artisan Cliff as a college freshman, they were happier than Lianne was. Lianne was majoring in Creative Writing, and took as her electives Visual Arts and Music, Voice.  
  
Lianne had nothing against Artisan Cliff. She was impressed by the fact that there was one computer per two students. She enjoyed it that the classrooms were air-conditioned in the heat, and heated in the cold. She respected the brilliant staff.  
  
But she held Artemis Fowl, Junior, against the school.  
  
Lianne had already decided that she would never forgive Professor Stafford for pairing them. She knew that Artemis was a prodigy, a genius, and incredibly wealthy, but she despised him anyway. She hated how arrogant he was about himself. She hated how condescending he was towards her, just because her IQ wasn't a million and five.  
  
For his part, Artemis was equally irritated with her.  
  
He had graduated from St. Bartleby's High School, valedictorian, of course. His parents had placed him in Artisan Cliff for college. Artemis quite liked the school, but he was growing increasingly annoyed with his lab partner. At St. Bartleby's, his former lab partners had either tried to pretend that they knew as much as he did to impress him, or they just copied what he did and reaped the good grades.  
  
But Lianne seemed determined to work with him as an equal. Artemis continued typing, but inside he was frowning. Didn't she know that he was smarter than ten of her put together?  
  
For all his intelligence, he was still stunned when Lianne suddenly reached down and unplugged the computer. The screen flickered, then went black.  
  
"I hadn't saved that," Artemis said coldly.  
  
Heatedly she retorted, "Thank god for that. Now let's do the experiment, like everyone else." She gestured around the room. The rest of the forty students in the class were clustered in pairs around the lab tables, looking back and forth between their experiments and the computers next to them.  
  
Artemis didn't bother to hide his disdain. "I repeat. I have performed this experiment numerous times, with the same results every time. I can only conclude that the outcome was accurate."  
  
Lianne wasn't a violent person, but right now, she was seriously weighing the consequences of slapping Artemis Fowl right on his super- intelligent cheek. She actually lifted her palm, held back only by the thought of what he would do to retaliate. Hack into her e-mails and sabotage them?  
  
He noticed. Graciously he conceded, "But seeing how upset you are, I shall not reprimand you for your childish action. After all, I shall find it easy to type up our experiment report again."  
  
That was it. Lianne marched away from him. Stopping next to Professor Stafford, she asked sweetly, "Professor, do you know anyone who is willing to trade lab partners?"  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
"Is anything wrong, Artemis?"  
  
Artemis glanced up. He was sitting in the leather backseat of a Bentley, on his way home from school. Butler was driving, but as he did, he watched his charge in the rearview mirror, a bit concerned.  
  
Butler studied his employer's face. It never ceased to amaze him how quickly Artemis had grown. His dark hair now crowned a tanned face, since St. Bartleby's had imposed a rule that required all students to take athletics during his junior year of high school. His deep blue eyes seemed to spill brilliance over the rest of his face.  
  
But now, Artemis seemed a bit subdued.  
  
"Nothing is wrong, Butler. I am merely mulling over the matter of my lab partner."  
  
Butler stifled a smile. He had been hearing a lot about Lianne since the first day of classes, when Artemis first met her. Apparently, the girl wasn't impressed by him or his mental abilities.  
  
"She attempted to change lab partners," Artemis said moodily. "I was all for it, of course, but Professor Stafford refused. He said he had paired us according to our abilities and compatibility, and that he had never been wrong." Artemis paused.  
  
"What happened?" Butler asked.  
  
"I informed him that the probability of his accuracy in pairing people continuing without fail was about 2%."  
  
Butler roared with laughter. Had this incident occurred a few years ago, Artemis might have reproved him for his disrespectful attitude, but he had been closer to his bodyguard since the Artic Incident. They looked upon each other as the brother neither had had.  
  
So Artemis only said, "Professor Stafford found it less amusing than you did. He ordered me to perform the experiment and sent Lianne back to her seat." He paused again, then added sourly, "She didn't gloat, but she might as well have. I performed the experiment, the results of which I had already memorized long ago, with her, and she had a victorious little smile on her face the whole time."  
  
Butler smiled. "I'm sure it wasn't that bad, Artemis."  
  
Artemis shrugged and sipped pure water from a crystal decanter. He didn't answer.  
  
By the time they reached home, they were discussing the latest combat handguns available on the market.  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
Lianne was still triumphant over the episode in the laboratory that day. She giggled to herself as she recalled the look on Professor Stafford's face when Artemis had spouted percentage.  
  
She headed to her brothers' room. Rico and Miguel were her twenty- three-year-old twin brothers, five years older than her, and they were away on a tour of Australia. They had saved their own money to fund it, because her parents had poured their savings into her tuition for Artisan Cliff.  
  
They had a computer in their room. She turned it on now and logged on to her e-mail account, hoping to hear from the twins. She missed them terribly. They wouldn't be returning till the end of her freshman year in college.  
  
Lianne laughed as she read her brothers' e-mail. They had sent her pictures of themselves diving and splashing around at the enormous Olympic pool in Sydney, which they had visited for the day. Like her, they were half-Asian, and shared her black hair and slanted mahogany eyes. But they inherited their height from their father. Lianne, like her Asian mother, was petite.  
  
However, when Lianne went to bed, she was still thinking about Artemis. She had noticed his icy glare all throughout their lab time, as if he loathed being sent to the level of mere mortals, but she really hadn't been able to wipe the smile off her face.  
  
She had heard the stories about him. They said he was a criminal. They said his father was, too. They said that he could be enormously vindictive. If the gossip was to be believed, he had been seen all over the world on the same day, the same hour. But she wasn't impressed. She thought the stories highly exaggerated.  
  
She wondered what he would do to get back at her tomorrow.  
  
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DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters here, except Lianne and the others that you don't recognize. The rest are from the Artemis Fowl books and are the property of Eoin Colfer.  
  
PEOPLE: Please review! I'll post up the next chapter soon. :-) 


	2. d'arvit

CHAPTER TWO  
  
(D'Arvit)  
  
"Could you go over that again?" Commander Julius Root's voice was soft. Deadly soft.  
  
For once, Foaly had no smartass remark to throw at Root. He had never heard Root speak in quite that tone before. But then, something like this had never happened before.  
  
He cleared his throat. "Uh, a couple of rogue trolls stumbled into vent C8, which was on cooldown after a surface shot, and they managed to make their way to the surface. Unfortunately, that particular vent opens to a Mud Man place called California. To be specific, it opens to, uh, well, Disneyland."  
  
The centaur paused to flinch at the look on Commander Root's face, then he went on. "This happened during Commander Miles' shift. He sent out Captain Short for Recon, and got an experienced Retrieval squad ready. No rookies. Trolls are mean creatures."  
  
"I know that, Foaly. You're rambling. Go on."  
  
"We got the trolls," Foaly said. "But one of them killed a Mud Girl before we returned them to Haven. It didn't eat her. Just - er, gored her with its tusks." He fidgeted, trying to remove the picture from his head.  
  
"D'Arvit," Root whispered. He had a sudden, sickening vision of a blond little Mud Girl in pigtails screaming and weeping hysterically as curved, jagged tusks got drove into her. And the tough, experienced commander had to fight the urge to vomit.  
  
Foaly took a deep breath. "Holly came too late to save the poor girl, but she poured all her magic into making sure everyone who saw the incident slipped into unconsciousness. Then she blasted the trolls into crispy oblivion."  
  
Normally Root would have pointed out that fairies seldom killed other fairies in defense of Mud Men, but right now all he could think about was a blood-soaked child.  
  
Then the centaur said, "More and more Mud Men came into the scene, but soon Holly no longer had enough magic to make sure everyone lost consciousness. Still she tried, and she fainted. A couple of Mud Men took her out of Disneyland just before Retrieval arrived. Commander Miles was apoplectic by then. We had to pull a time stop and do mass memory wipes. Retrieval set it up so that it looked like a ride had gone haywire and the machinery went crazy, killing the little Mud Girl. Then they left."  
  
"Commander Miles' shift ended, and he went home. I think he's going to have a heart attack."  
  
"And this is where I come in." Root swore again. "D'Arvit."  
  
"Yeah. Commander Miles got the troll thing under control. It's up to you to get Holly back. I'm still trying to find the Mud Men who took her. Do you have any idea how many people come to Disneyland everyday?"  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
"D'Arvit!" Root yelled. "D'Arvit!"  
  
It turned out that the Mud Men who got their hands on Holly were Disneyland staff, but they'd quickly realized that she wasn't in a costume. So they immediately took her to a newspaper office and sold her for a couple thousand, then they went off contented.  
  
"This shouldn't have happened," Foaly muttered. "C8 is a high-risk vent because of where it leads to. The guys guarding it know that." It had only been a few hours since Holly was captured, but Foaly had already gotten to all the fairies involved.  
  
"The guards had gotten roaring drunk the night before in celebration, because one of them found himself a wife," the centaur explained. "Three of them weren't up to coming to work because of the hangover. The only one who did was in the bathroom vomiting when the trolls got into the vent. He got back, saw the marks the trolls had left, alerted authorities, and promptly passed out." Foaly stopped. "Too bad they chose to get drunk at a time when trolls were in the vicinity."  
  
"They'll be severely reprimanded and demoted tomorrow," Root snapped. "Maybe I'll fire them."  
  
Foaly said nothing, but he was in complete agreement.  
  
Root wondered when the story would come out. He wondered what the pictures would look like, plastered all over the world. He hoped Holly had regained consciousness by now. He wanted to pull a time stop over the newspaper office, but it was too prominent, and it was around five, and the office would stay open until midnight. The office would be bustling. The Mud Men would notice if it dropped out of time for a few hours.  
  
They had only gotten away with Disneyland because it wasn't vacation time in America, so few Americans were there. And non-Americans who went to Disneyland generally came early to experience a full day of rides. They were very lucky. No one came to Disneyland during the time stop, but then it was about two-thirty, and the business was slow at the entrance.  
  
Their only chance to pull a time-stop was at dawn, so that they could delete everything. But by then the office would be empty, and Holly would be somewhere else. They certainly wouldn't keep her there alone; she was too valuable. Drained of magic, she couldn't fight anyone, or mesmerize too many people. Not even the LEP and Foaly could pull two time-stops at the same time, one to erase the data at the newspaper office, and the other to rescue Holly from wherever she was. It was imperative that both be done immediately, or else the damage wouldn't be contained.  
  
"D'ARVIT!" Root repeated in a bellow. His face had passed the beet- red shade, it was now an alarming purple color.  
  
"What do we do?" Foaly asked.  
  
Root took a deep breath. He was going to kill the errant guards. He would kill the trolls, but they were already dead.  
  
"Pull a time-stop and erase the data in the newspaper office," he barked. "Then get Artemis Fowl."  
  
Foaly wasn't surprised. He had come to that conclusion the moment he realized the direness of the situation. After all, Artemis was the only human who already knew about the fairies. He was the only one who could help them.  
  
The only question was, would he?  
  
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NOTE: I've only read Artemis Fowl 1 and 2 . . . I've never seen a copy of Eternity Code (do I have that right? Is that the title of Artemis Fowl 3?) in bookstores. I don't think they have it out in our country yet. So if some stuff in my story clashes with things you've learned in Book 3, sorry . . . I don't know any better. :-)  
  
NOTE 2: This probably has a gazillion errors. Sorry again. If you could think of possible suggestions to rectify the errors, instead of pointlessly flaming this, I'd really appreciate it. 


	3. their situation was a unique one

CHAPTER THREE  
  
(their situation was a unique one)  
  
"You are not to go into that room, Anthony," Nicholas Patel commanded. He gestured to the moldy brown door which led to the damp basement.  
  
Above his jade-green eyes, Anthony Rothgar raised a dark brown brow. "Why not?" he asked. He walked towards the door, more than a little curious.  
  
Anthony was a senior at college. Nicholas was the editor of one of the best-selling newspapers in the country, where Anthony had been working for the past four years as an intern. Normally the two of them had a very close relationship, especially since Anthony was an orphan and had lived with Nicholas as his father figure for almost all of the 21 years of his life, but right now Nicholas seemed preoccupied with something. He had gotten home unusually late today, and when he did get home, he went straight to the basement to deposit something wrapped in a blanket in there.  
  
Anthony's hand grazed the doorknob.  
  
"Stay away from that door." Nicholas' voice was so sharp, that even Anthony, who had long ago passed the stage where he was afraid of his editor's moods, halted and drew back.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Are you okay?" Anthony asked his editor. "What is in there? This is going to sound weird, but when you first came in, I could have sworn you were carrying a little girl."  
  
Nicholas exhaled loudly. "It's not weird. And actually, you aren't too far off the mark. It's little, and it's a female - but I definitely doubt that it's a human."  
  
For a moment Anthony was silent. Then he snickered. "I get it. You got me a just-in-case-I-graduate-as-valedictorian-present, and you don't want me to see it. Of course it's a little early, but I know you like to be prepared."  
  
At any other time, Nicholas might have rolled his eyes and ordered him to prepare dinner, but this was different. Very seriously, he told Anthony, "It came as a complete surprise. One of my layout editors was leaving early - you know most of us don't leave the office until just before midnight - and he ran into a couple of guys in a Disneyland uniform carrying an elfish creature. They wanted to sell it. Of course, Lyon - that's the layout editor's name - wrote them off as lunatics and walked away. But they swore on their beloved mothers' honor - and their own, too, for good measure - that the unconscious creature they had in their arms was not a mascot."  
  
Anthony stared at the door, then at Nicholas. "Um, I don't get it."  
  
"It's simple. The two Disneyland guys managed to convince Lyon to buy the elf for two thousand.. And, you have to understand this, Tony, Lyon is not an easy man to fool. He's smart as a whip. When he returned to the office claiming that he had just gotten us a month's - hell, a year's - worth of headlines, we believed him."  
  
Anthony didn't believe a single word. "Sure. Wait, I'll get us dinner."  
  
Nicholas sighed, but he said nothing more. Years of working with Anthony had taught him that he wasn't like other people. Most people would believe anything - it was this quality that was the reason behind how well his newspaper sold. But Anthony was trained and intelligent, and he wasn't an easy person to convince.  
  
For his part, Anthony was thinking about what his years with Nicholas had taught him. Their situation was a unique one - orphaned at birth, he had been taken by Nicholas, his parents' best friend, but the Social Services pointed out that Nicholas wasn't father material. Nicholas understood - he was nearly always home after midnight, and he had never taken care of a kid before. But he wasn't willing to give up Anthony either. In the end, the Social Services had consented to let Anthony spend part of the year with Nicholas, and the rest with a suitable foster family that they themselves had chosen.  
  
Anthony found a father and a mother in his foster family - Richard and Miranda were childless, and they loved him. But his real mentor and companion was Nicholas. As he grew older, and the visits from the social workers lessened, he began to spend more than his allotted time with Nicholas. Richard and Miranda understood, and let him.  
  
Anthony thought of Nicholas as the older brother he had never had - Nicholas also viewed him as a brother, albeit a much younger one.  
  
Yes. Their situation was a unique one. But in it, they had come to know, love, and respect each other very much. And Anthony realized that Nicholas wasn't about to say anything else.  
  
Even as he ate dinner, Nicholas contemplated the look on Anthony's face and decided it would be best to guard the door that night. No sense in inviting trouble.  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
Holly drew her knees to her chest, trembling with the cold dampness of the basement. Figured. The Mud Men couldn't even put her in a room designed by a decent architect.  
  
The dark gray blanket lay crumpled on the floor, as far away from her as possible. She was not going to use that, no matter how much she needed it. By now, weak and befuddled as she was, Holly had deduced that the Mud Men who had put her in this horrible room were also the ones who had given her the blanket. She was determined to avoid touching it again.  
  
She was captured by Mud Men!  
  
She really wouldn't want to know how Root had reacted to the news.  
  
But the chill in the room wasn't the only source of Holly's discomfort. The two Mud Men outside had been arguing with each other for quite some time now. She supposed they were the ones who had taken her from Disneyland. The noise was beginning to bother her.  
  
It galled her beyond belief that she had no other option but to wait for help to reach her. The door was locked, she was drained of magic, the Mud Men weren't coming close enough to be mesmerized, and she didn't even know where she was and what exactly had happened. Her only option was to wait for Foaly and the other fairies to come and save her.  
  
" I knew it. I knew it! Why do you think I was sitting here, guarding the damned door? I knew you would try to sneak in and have a peek at the creature, even when I told you not to."  
  
Holly snorted feebly, but it was a snort nonetheless. Crude barbarians. She was an elf, not a 'creature.'  
  
"Nicholas - are you sick?" The voice was young and worried. Holly was too weak to even care why the youth was addressing the obviously older voice without anything like 'Dad' or 'Uncle' - perhaps they were brothers.  
  
The reply was sharp and exasperated. "I'm not insane, Anthony. Godsakes. But I'm not letting you in to see the creature, either. It might be dangerous."  
  
Holly sighed. This one had common sense, something Mud Men almost always lacked. Too bad he kept calling her a 'creature.'  
  
"Tomorrow, I'll be moving back in with Richard and Miranda," the one Holly presumed was Anthony pointed out. "I'll be there for the rest of the month. If you don't show me now, I'll never see it."  
  
"You don't trust me, do you? Can't you just take my word for it?"  
  
"Honestly, an 'elfish, weird-looking creature?' Whatever you're describing doesn't exist. I wish you'd let me see it. You're really starting to make me nervous."  
  
Holly fumed. A 'weird-looking creature,' eh? They'd be sorry when she finally got a chance to put the mesmer on them.  
  
"For the last time, I am not insane!" the older one fairly shouted.  
  
"Then why won't you let me see the creature?"  
  
Holly stuffed her fingers in her ears and tuned them out, not willing to stomach their inane bantering any longer. She closed her eyes to block out the sight of the damp, unfurnished basement, thinking longingly of her warm home where a bubbling mud bath was waiting for her. She was so tired that she slipped almost immediately into slumber.  
  
If she had listened, she would have heard and understood what happened moments later.  
  
Anthony, fed up with the argument, finally marched off to call Lyon himself and see if at least part of Nicholas' story was true. But, coincidentally, the phone rung just as he was about to pick it up. Lyon was on the other end, shouting for Nicholas.  
  
When Nicholas put down the phone almost an hour later, he had a deep frown on his face.  
  
Anthony, who had left the area to give them some privacy, reappeared. "Well?"  
  
"The data disappeared."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Everything. All the pictures we took, all the research we conducted, every article we started, everything connected to the picture. It vanished. As if it had never been there. And to top it all off, the guard working there claims he never saw anything unusual - and that includes the creature. He doesn't remember seeing Lyon bring it in, which is impossible, because of the hell we raised moments later."  
  
Anthony wanted to tell Nicholas that this only corroborated his theory that he was losing it, but instead he said, "Do you think the guard erased the proof that the creature in that basement, that I haven't heard, smelt, or seen, existed?"  
  
"We have to entertain that possibility - and others as well."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"I knew that creature was dangerous. I believe there are others like it - and that they want all proof that suggests they exist erased. It is all the more important for you to stay away from the basement, Anthony. They might come for the creature."  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
"Nicholas Patel," Foaly announced.  
  
"How did you find out?" Root snapped.  
  
"Mud Men post everything on colorful little pieces of paper." The centaur handed a yellow Post-it to the commander.  
  
It said simply, "Creature brought home by editor-in-chief. Contact him or Lyon if you want to write an article or take pictures or do anything concerning the creature."  
  
"And the editor-in-chief is Nicholas Patel," Foaly said.  
  
"He'll probably redo everything we erased tomorrow. We can erase the data again tomorrow night, or save Holly instead. We don't have the resources to pull time-stops without at least an eight-hour interval. We're right back where we started!"  
  
"We might not be."  
  
"You seriously think this Patel is going to hold off redoing all the stuff he's done on Captain Short?"  
  
"No, but he might be prevented."  
  
"You've already contacted Artemis Fowl." It wasn't a question.  
  
Foaly nodded. "He'll be here in about two minutes. Taken by force if necessary."  
  
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Review! o_O ;-) 


	4. a dilemma

CHAPTER FOUR  
  
(a dilemma)  
  
A wadded-up piece of paper hit Lianne on the head. She gritted her teeth and turned to glare at the sea of innocent faces behind her, then she grabbed the note and smoothed it out. Another piece of neatly folded paper fell out. She read that first.  
  
"Dearest Artemis, Maybe you'd like to go to the dance with me. I know I'd love to go with you. It doesn't matter that you didn't ask me; I know how smart and busy you are. My number is 6547832. Call me. Love, Stacey."  
  
Lianne felt a grim satisfaction as she crumpled it up. Then she stuffed it in her bag and read what was on the other piece of paper.  
  
"Lianne - could you hand this to Artemis for me? I know you're his lab partner. Thanks."  
  
Lianne scrunched up the paper again and dropped it unceremoniously on the floor.  
  
That morning, the school board had announced that there would be a dance next week, sponsored by the rich, happy parents of Artisan Cliff. It would be a major event, that was for sure. With the wealth the sponsors could afford to throw around, the dance would probably be a stunning affair. More information would be posted tomorrow such as the venue and the theme of the dance and stuff. It was only the third week of school, but apparently, Artisan Cliff had to cater to the only diversions of bored, rich mothers - planning activities for their little darlings.  
  
Since then, the notes had been pelting Lianne. Word had spread that she was the only one Artemis bore close contact with, and the lovestruck girls longing to snag a date with the handsome prodigy were going to desperate measures.  
  
By lunchtime, Lianne had eleven notes crumpled up in her bag. Eleven. She was highly irritated, and she assured herself it was only because she was being pelted by love letters to her annoying lab partner. Definitely not because Artemis was sure to accept one of these offers - he had so many to choose from.  
  
Lianne decided to hide out in the library. It was easy to hide in the vast rooms and shelves of books of the Artisan Cliff Library, and she was confident that no one would try to give her a note there. She was fuming. So much for mature college students. It really galled her that she was reduced to skulking in the library to avoid Artemis' admirers. She hadn't realized that so many girls fell for her lab partner's cool, self-assured aura of intelligence and wealth.  
  
She was leaning against a shelf full of encyclopedias, trying to blend with the books, when a couple of girls darted beside her. She nearly shrieked; she was so startled.  
  
"Sorry!" one of them chirped. "We didn't mean to startle you. But we've been looking for you all over campus."  
  
"Yes. We want you to give these to Artemis," the second one added. They each held out a folded note.  
  
Lianne willed herself to act civil as she reached out and took the notes. But she couldn't help it. Smiling sweetly, she said, "Do you think thirteen is an unlucky number?"  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
Artemis glanced at his lab partner, confused. The emotion was alien to the prodigy, and he didn't like it. He prided himself on being able to understand why and how most things happened.  
  
First Lianne was late. When Professor Stafford had asked her for an excuse slip, she said that she didn't have one. So he asked why she was late. She said, "I was playing Cupid, sir."  
  
Everyone blinked. Professor Stafford requested her to repeat herself.  
  
"I was dawdling in the corridors, sir. I apologize for being late."  
  
Then, when she had opened her bag to take out a pen and her lab notebook, Artemis was sure he had seen an ungodly number of crumpled pieces of paper inside her bag. When he asked her about them, her mouth dropped open, and he flinched because he could see that she nearly hurled a test tube at him.  
  
Now she was drumming her fingers rapidly on the table, her eyes on Professor Stafford as he delivered a lecture on analogs. He could see that she wasn't listening. Well, neither was he. But Artemis had already read at least three scientific essays on the pros and cons of analogs, how formulas for analogs were derived, and so on. He could be excused for not listening.  
  
Lianne, however, could not.  
  
He wrenched his gaze away from her long fingers, which drummed on the table with an emotion he identified as annoyance. But what did she have to be annoyed about?  
  
Artemis mentally rolled his eyes at himself. As if he cared.  
  
He didn't, he told himself confidently. He tuned in on Professor Stafford's lecture.  
  
"We've established that analogs are compounds similar in structure to parent formulas, although not quite identical. Let me give an example. Who can repeat to me the chemical name of aspirin?" Professor Stafford scanned the room. "Lianne?"  
  
Lianne blinked. "What?"  
  
"The scientific name of aspirin," Professor Stafford repeated patiently.  
  
Other hands were raised around the room. This was Artisan Cliff, a school for people with IQ's above 130, minimum. But Professor Stafford was looking straight at Lianne.  
  
Her dark eyes widened, and she bit her lip. "Um. . ."  
  
"I believe I mentioned it a few minutes after you came in," Professor Stafford said.  
  
"I. . ." Lianne's voice trailed off. Someone snickered. Artemis noticed a flush rise on Lianne's cheek, and knew that she knew people were laughing at her. He frowned.  
  
"Sodium acetylsalicylate," he hissed to her, so softly that he wasn't sure she heard him.  
  
"Yes, sir, you did. The scientific name of aspirin is sodium acetylsalicylate," she answered loudly, glaring at the corner from which the snicker had originated.  
  
Professor Stafford smiled. "Correct. Now, as I was saying, a molecule of aspirin has twenty-one atoms. . . "  
  
"Thank you," Lianne muttered to her lab partner.  
  
She didn't sound the least bit grateful. Artemis raised an eyebrow condescendingly at her. "Thank me by listening. I shall not give you answers to the most fundamentally simple questions again."  
  
He smiled to himself when he saw her eyes narrowing in a telltale sign of irritation. He'd never admit it, but he was beginning to enjoy baiting her.  
  
"Answer this fundamentally simple question - how many people have formed plots on your life?" she snapped under her breath, looking warily at Professor Stafford out of the corner of her eye.  
  
Artemis did smile then. "A lot more than one, I assure you."  
  
"No need to assure anyone," she said sweetly. "You had me at the word 'lot.'"  
  
Damn, she was quick. But so was he. Artemis said politely, "I revise my statement, then. Merely 'more than one.' I must admit that I don't want to have you."  
  
Lianne spluttered and turned away. Artemis smirked and congratulated himself.  
  
Professor Stafford was still talking. "Only a small part of the aspirin molecule actually triggers its relieving analgesic effect. This part is the one which fits snugly into the central reception sites of our nervous system - "  
  
Artemis lost track of the lecture when he saw a piece of paper hit the table right in front of Lianne. He watched as she picked up the folded piece of paper, giving it a murderous stare he had only ever seen directed at himself. Then she shoved it at him and turned back to Professor Stafford.  
  
He took it, wondering what was wrong with his lab partner. The note had obviously been intended for her. Why did she want him to read it? He opened it.  
  
"Dear Lianne, Would you like to go to the dance with me? I'd love to take you. I'm sure that we will enjoy a night of magical romance if you decide to accept my invitation. I want us to dance together. Ever yours, Jake."  
  
For once, Artemis lost his cool. His calm, arrogant expression melted into a supremely annoyed one, and he said sharply, "Lianne!"  
  
She immediately faced him again, and he knew that she had been listening for his reaction. He scowled. What was the purpose behind letting him see some idiot's love letter to her? He held it out to her.  
  
"What?" she asked, just as sharply. "Do you want me to see letter number 16?"  
  
Professor Stafford glanced at them. They both fell silent. Then the lecture continued.  
  
"You're not making any sense," he snapped quietly.  
  
"You're the one muddling everything up," she told him. She glanced at the paper as though it held SARS. "Get that thing away from me."  
  
Artemis was exasperated. "You don't want to read a letter addressed to you?"  
  
She snatched up the paper so fast that he almost got a paper cut. "I don't believe this," she mumbled. "The one letter that's actually for me, and you get to read it first."  
  
"If you would learn to explain your ramblings, I'm sure we'd get along much better," Artemis informed her. "I don't understand why you're acting so unusual."  
  
For a moment she looked nearly contrite. "I guess I haven't been fair to you. But there are so many of them, and Professor Stafford's already singled us out. I'll explain after class."  
  
Artemis opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed it. She was starting to unfold the letter.  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
Lianne quickly read the letter. She felt a smile blossoming on her face, and she knew she was grinning like an idiot. She tilted her head and reread the letter, then she sighed and tried to control her smile. How sweet. She knew Jake was a blond-haired basketball player, and that he sat two tables behind her. She hadn't paid too much attention to him - thinking of Artemis and his arrogance took up all of her brain space - but now that she thought about it, he was really very attractive.  
  
She wanted to say yes, but she didn't know too much about Jake yet. For all she knew, he was a drunk. She looked up, deciding to ask Artemis.  
  
He was staring at her. She leaned towards him and whispered conspiratorially, "Do you think I should say yes to Jake?"  
  
Artemis was suddenly very cool. "I know little about your admirer," he said flatly. "I am in no position to give advice."  
  
Maybe it was the way he said it, as though he was explaining something like how babies are made to a kid. Lianne's slanted eyes immediately became mere brown slits as she said to Artemis, "Whatever. You don't have to go all snooty on me." Then, very quietly, "Jerk."  
  
Artemis didn't hear her. He was determinedly staring at Professor Stafford, who chose that moment to say, "I want a detailed report on why hallucinogenic analogs of dangerous drugs should be banned. To be submitted tomorrow. I want each pair of lab students -" at this point Lianne and Artemis traded the sort of look that men who are falling down a chasm would give to the ledge they left behind - "to give me this report, and make it as creative as possible. It should be part performance, part written output. I expect both tomorrow."  
  
Gasps of outrage rose from the class, Lianne included. Artemis only raised a single disbelieving eyebrow.  
  
"That's not possible," someone called out. "Sir, we can't make a report that quickly!"  
  
"Of course you can," replied Professor Stafford mildly. "You study in Artisan Cliff. Did I mention that this project counts for forty percent of your final grade?"  
  
This time the gasps were mixed with resigned groans.  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
Captain Trouble Kelp of the LEP had a dilemma.  
  
By now, of course, he knew what had happened to Holly. All of Haven did. The media had sensationalized it, he thought with disgust, making the LEP out to be a bunch of incompetent idiots who were going to be the downfall of the fairy civilization. An officer at the mercy of a Mud Man!  
  
Foaly had given him the job of capturing Artemis Fowl, preferably causing as little a stir as possible. They just didn't have the resources to smooth more mishaps over. Foaly claimed he had the approval of Commander Root. Trouble hadn't believed him. He had only agreed because of Holly. He wanted her back in Haven as soon as possible, and if Fowl was the only one who could help them . . .  
  
He was late. Foaly was going to murder him. But he had only gotten the order last night, and this morning he had been dispatched to Fowl Manor to execute those orders. Alone. There was no time to find someone else. But things had happened much too quickly. When Trouble got to Fowl Manor, he was just supposed to grab Artemis, probably with Butler, and rush back to headquarters and hand both of them over, all before lunchtime. But by the time he got there, Butler was coming back after taking Artemis to school.  
  
Now it was four hours past noon, and the black vehicle with Artemis inside it was just then coming up the drive. But that wasn't Trouble's problem.  
  
The problem was the Mud Girl in the car with Butler and Artemis.  
  
Trouble had two options. One: he could capture Artemis and Butler, the only ones he had been given permission to capture, and leave the girl behind when he took them to Haven. But the girl would surely know something was wrong, and she would run to other Mud Men and tell, making the situation even worse than it already was. And two, he could capture the girl along with Artemis and Butler, and let Foaly and Commander Root deal with the situation - after they tried to strangle him.  
  
Trouble watched, invisible, as the girl, Artemis, and Butler left the automobile.  
  
"I didn't want to come here, you know," the girl was saying. A bit more loudly than necessary. Her eyes were flashing with anger. "I'm only here because - "  
  
"You have a regular check-up with the doctor later this afternoon, and you absolutely refuse to cancel it," Artemis cut in blandly. "So we must finish this project now, and we can't do it at your house because you have only one computer and that has a broken printer. I know. You have told me plenty of times."  
  
"Then stop acting like you're doing me a great favor! What I'm doing right now is called a necessity, not a bloody desire."  
  
Trouble suddenly grinned. It was the first time he had done so since he had learned of Holly's capture.  
  
The girl had just narrowed his choices.  
  
He didn't like Artemis. No fairy in his right mind did. And here this Mud Girl was giving him hell about something. Anyone could see how bad the prodigy's mood was turning.  
  
But only Foaly and Root could appreciate it.  
  
Trouble went over to the front door of the mansion as Artemis and Lianne, bickering, walked nearer and nearer. Butler walked behind them.  
  
And Trouble Kelp grinned again.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------  
  
What do you think? I just want you to know that I get all happy whenever someone reviews my stories! (In other words - please review!) I'll try to update soon! 


	5. meant to antagonize

CHAPTER FIVE

(meant to antagonize)

            Commander Root tried not to laugh. He really did. But he laughed anyway, the first time he had done so since Holly's capture. Next to him, Foaly made no attempt to hide his sniggers as they watched the dramatic comedy being played out on the giant computer screen in front of them, courtesy of the video camera in Captain Trouble's helmet.

            The picture shook slightly every now and then. Foaly assumed that Trouble was also laughing, in fact, shaking with it. He could see that Butler, in the background, definitely wore something like a grin on his normally grim face.

            On the screen, Lianne and Artemis were arguing.

            "What the hell did you do this time?" she asked him. In a near shriek.

            "I did nothing. I am in no way responsible for this situation." Artemis was still speaking coolly, but his voice was rising.

            "'No way responsible' my ass. You can lie all you want, but you did something to warrant this bloody abduction. Tell me what it was."

            "I understand your hysterics, but I would appreciate it if you would cease whining."

            "I'm whining? I'm hysterical? Fowl, I've just been kidnapped, and I know it's because of you. And by the way, don't answer that. I don't think my dainty sensibilities can take without a measure of weeping and screaming whatever verbal barb you're about to hurl at me."

            "You don't even know who we're dealing with." Artemis was gritting his teeth by then, still not revealing what he already knew for sure: a fairy had abducted them. Was it Holly? If it was, she wasn't showing herself. He wondered what the LEP wanted with him now.

            "You're right. I don't. And I'm glad. These are your enemies, Fowl. I'm the victim here."

            Artemis' snort indicated that he didn't think much of her announcement. "If you wish to be considered a victim, you might consider acting like one."

            "You want me to play a damsel in distress waiting for a knight in shining armor?"

            "And that knight would be Jake, would it?" Artemis hid his wince. He hadn't meant to say that.

            That was when Lianne really grew mad. It was unfortunate that she was still carrying the bag she brought to school; she had refused to let Butler carry it for her. Artemis' statement provoked her into viciously zipping open her bag and taking out wads of crumpled papers.

            "Here! Fifteen of your damsels!" She threw one at him, and it bounced off his chest. She threw another, which bounced off his head. Artemis' deep blue eyes widened, and he backed away. She continued pelting him with the notes.

            Foaly was convulsing with laughter by then. The images on the screen kept jumping – Trouble couldn't contain his laughter. He whispered into his mike, "Good thing I took them down using the commercial shuttle. Even better that we got a private compartment."

            Artemis wasn't quite so amused. He shot Butler a glare from beneath the rain of crumpled notes – a glare which Butler rewarded with a rare smile – and shouted at Lianne, "Stop it!" He could feel himself turning red. He just knew that a fairy was watching this. Foaly was probably taping it. Holly would never let him live it down.

            Finally Lianne ran out of ammunition. "Read one of them!" she yelled back. "Then change a few of the mushy words and put a different name at the bottom, and you've read all of them!"

            Artemis snatched up one of the notes and smoothed it out.

~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~

"Fowl, I'd tell you why you're here, but Julius is determined to break the news to you himself," Foaly announced. Artemis scowled.

            He could almost see the centaur cackling in the Operations Booth as his horsey voice blasted out from the powerful micro-speakers hidden throughout the lavishly furnished LEP meeting room – deep red carpet, polished wood chairs around a polished wood table, a paper-thin, voice-activated computer in front, the works. Artemis, of course, had chosen to sit at the head of the table. Lianne was standing near the wall, staring at the table. Butler was seated as near the door as possible, his back to a wall, watching to see who would enter.

            They all listened as Foaly continued. "Seems to think he can charm you into helping us better than I can." Artemis imagined Butler tearing the jaunty little foil hat from the centaur's head, while he informed the centaur that he had developed a mind-reading technology and sold it to all the human secret agencies, and now they would all read his mind – 

            Finally, for the first time since Trouble had mesmerized them and they had snapped back to reality alone in this locked meeting room, Lianne spoke four words that weren't meant to antagonize Artemis. "Why are we here?"

            Exactly my question, Artemis thought to himself. But he only said, "No doubt they will inform us soon enough." The first words he said since their abduction that weren't meant to antagonize Lianne.

            "Once that creature is done having fun with us," Butler growled. At last, he wasn't playing the role of amused spectator to the bickering Artemis and Lianne.

            Foaly's laughter came through loud and clear through the speakers. "The situation is serious, you know, very serious. But this is the first time I've been amused since . . . the Disneyland catastrophe began. You aren't going to deny the sanest, most brilliant, most popular technological wizard in Haven a little fun, are you?"

            Lianne said loudly, "We're perfectly willing to be a source of amusement for such a paragon of humility. Who are we to go against this self-proclaimed sane, brilliant, popular technological mind?"

            The sarcasm in her voice was obvious. Artemis wanted to smile, but he didn't. Butler didn't have any such reservations. His little grin was approving.

            Foaly chuckled, not missing a beat, and said, "It is an unrecognized truth that humility is virtually useless next to honesty. Why play down genius?"

"You and Artemis should get along, then," she replied.

            Artemis decided to ignore that barb.

            Foaly's laugh this time was genuinely approving. He said to Lianne, "You know, I thought that all Mud Girls would cower from Fowl. Thank you for disabusing me of that notion."

            She folded her arms across her chest. "You'll understand if I don't tell you that you're welcome. Why was I included when you abducted Artemis?"

            "I have a companion, and his name is Butler," Artemis informed her.

            "And why did you include Butler in getting revenge for whatever harebrained plot Artemis came up with?"

            "I wouldn't say harebrained," Butler put in loyally.

            "I would," said Lianne and Foaly at the same time.

            Artemis gritted his teeth. "Let me repeat. I have done nothing whatsoever to warrant this abduction."

            Lianne's expression had "Yeah, right," all over it.

            Artemis spoke to Foaly. "Rest assured I will pay you back for this. Someday."

            Foaly snickered. "I'd better ease my terror by putting you out of your misery. I'd be defying Julius, mind you." 

            No one, including Foaly, seemed to care. Artemis asked, "Where _is_ Commander Root? I assume talking with the fairy who captured us. Was it Ho – Captain Short?"

            Foaly paused. "Commander Root is reprimanding Captain Trouble Kelp for not bringing you in earlier. It has now been exactly eleven hours and forty-seven minutes since we finished wiping the data from a newspaper office. It was Captain Kelp who captured you, not Holly." His voice had turned serious.

            Artemis, analyzing Foaly's simple sentences, immediately understood. "Captain Short was captured by a newspaper office, and you want me to get her back because not even the LEP has the resources to erase the data the newspaper has recorded on Holly at the office and pull a time stop to rescue Holly, whom I assume is being held at a separate place, at the same time."

            Foaly said, sounding surly, "It's a good thing you're on our side, Mud Boy."

            Butler understood. Lianne, who by now was sitting beside Artemis at the table, didn't. "Captain Holly Short has been captured by a newspaper office? Who is she? Which newspaper office? Who is Captain Trouble Kelp? Commander Julius Root was the one who ordered us to be captured, right?"

            Foaly silently commended Lianne for matching up the positions, names, and surnames accurately. More than most other Mud Girls in her place could probably do. He said, "Holly is a fairy. The newspaper office is in California, America. Captain Kelp is also a fairy. Julius is also a fairy – don't take this abduction personally, because you weren't supposed to be included. But you were, and you're not a hindrance, so he doesn't mind."

            "The fact that she argues regularly with me is also a factor, no doubt, in Commander Root's unusual lenience," Artemis muttered.

            "What exactly is a fairy?" Lianne asked.

            "I'll answer that after I tell you something about myself," Foaly replied. "After that, you'll believe anything. I'm a centaur."

            Lianne blinked. "Would you mind repeating that?"

            The screen in front of the room flickered to life. Something with four legs appeared on it. It looked suspiciously like a – 

            It was nearing a door –

            The door opened. Butler was on his feet in an instant.

            Foaly clattered in. "I said, I'm a centaur."

            Lianne shrieked and actually clutched at Artemis' hand for support.

~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~

            Commander Root was in his office, having just finished yelling, demoting, and nearly murdering the guards who should have prevented the troll who stumbled into vent C8. Captain Kelp was with him, having done his part by shooting the guards murderous glares while Root bellowed. Trouble would have done more than yell, but he knew that Root, in his present mood, would probably turn around and demote _him_.

            "You shouldn't have captured the girl," Root growled, pacing in front of his desk. His face was still red from shouting at the ex-guards – now janitors.

            Trouble was standing behind Root's desk, staring steadily at the commander. "I know, sir."

            Root kept pacing. "I don't mind."

            "I know, sir."

            "Let's talk to Fowl."

            "Yes, sir."

            They left Root's office and headed for the LEP meeting room next to the Operations Booth where Artemis, Butler, and the girl were being held.

___________________________________________________________

DISCLAIMER: I forgot to add this in the last chapter . . . anyway, all the stuff about analogs and chemicals and scientific names came from "The Alchemist," by Ken Goddard. And, unfortunately, I still don't own Artemis Fowl . . .  I'm working on a letter to Eoin Colfer right now, supposedly from a girl who's dying of leukemia and has one last death wish . . 

A/N: To all my reviewers, thank you, thank you, thank you! Nothing beats opening my e-mail and finding a review alert in my inbox! As you can see, I've finally gotten around to updating!

BLOODY DEAD ROSE: I'll try to e-mail you soon . . . I'm just too lazy to explain right now where that particular retort of Artemis' came from . . . thanks for reviewing and putting me on your faves list! ^_^

ICE RAIDER: Yep, one of your reviews did say something sort of nasty, but all's forgiven! I haven't read that story yet . . . as soon as all the crap in my life is sorted out, I'll get around to it, and see if my story _is_ similar. ^_^

THE WOLF CHILD: Thanks for the review! However, I think Artemis shrugging was in context at the time . . . I'll check, and revise if necessary. x.X . . .  ^_^

GLOW*IN*THE*DARK: I think you're a damn good writer too! Please don't follow through with your threat! I've updated! ^_^

MOUSAS: Keep laughing, my friend! ^_^

THAT AERIN: Thanks for the compliments and the suggestions! I really appreciate suggestions! I might use one of them! ^_^

PYRO4: I'll keep characterization in mind, I promise. Thanks for reviewing! Please don't do anything drastic! I've updated, at long last! ^_^

GRIFFIN&SABINE: I love your name! Nick Bantock rocks! And so do your reviews! ^_^

LARA TYLER: I appreciate your faith in my story . . . thanks for the review! ^_^

ARTYLOVER108: Thanks!!! I hope the rest of this adventure story continues to wow you! ^_^

WISHNIK: I live in the Philippines. And I've finally got a copy of Eternity Code! Yay! Still, since I started this fic before reading it, I have to continue it as though Eternity Code doesn't exist. I liked it, though. Not as much as its first two predecessors, but I liked it. ^_^

ANONYMOUS REVIEWERS: You've got interesting names! I do so love your reviews! Thank you! And keep reviewing, all of you! Please? ^_^

And finally . . . 

BIG FRIENDLY WALRUS: One day I will find a way to show you just how grateful I am for your reviews. Thank you!!! I hope you find time to review my story again soon! I think you're a great satirist. Keep writing!  ^_^

MARY SUE: May you never morph into a girl named Lianne Ramirez.

I'm afraid to make a promise I can't keep . . . so I won't say, "I'll update this soon!" I might not. But I'll try to. ;-) I'll also mention how Artemis reacted to the letters from his admirers in the next chapter. ^_^__


	6. afraid of her

CHAPTER SIX  
  
(afraid of her)  
  
"Open the door. Open the door. Open the door."  
  
The feeble croaks resonated, almost hypnotically. It would have been enough to mesmerize someone like . . . say, a weak-willed investigator. But 'almost' never got anyone anywhere with either Anthony or Nicholas, two men so stubborn and hard-headed that it was a wonder they had even acknowledged the faint reverberation in the female voice that insistently pierced damp basement door.  
  
"It's still talking in that strange voice?" Nicholas asked, not bothering to get up from where he was slumped on the kitchen table.  
  
Anthony nodded, reentering the kitchen from having checked up on the basement. He was weary. He and his editor had been up all night and all day, alternately bickering and lapsing into silences, guarding the 'creature' in the basement. Or at least Nicholas was guarding it. Anthony was trying to figure out how to release the girl without upsetting the obviously mentally unstable Nicholas.  
  
"She keeps telling us to open the door." Anthony began pacing. "I think we should do what she says."  
  
Nicholas' head snapped up, and he glared at Anthony. "I keep telling you, you don't know what you want to let loose."  
  
"An innocent human girl victimized by a sick old man?" Anthony winced. He really had not meant to say that.  
  
Remarkably, Nicholas kept his cool. He only said, "One, it's not human. Two, it's not a victim. Three, I'm not sick. And four -" here he looked almost wounded. "I'm not old."  
  
Anthony stopped pacing. Nicholas was still suffering his midlife crisis (he had been going around dating young girls for a while now, since he had turned forty-eight). Maybe he wasn't insane.  
  
"So what? Do we keep her locked up indefinitely?"  
  
Nicholas glared at Anthony. "We'll take it to the newspaper office."  
  
"When?"  
  
"When it's unconscious again."  
  
That kind of indecisiveness was rare for Nicholas. His job required him to make fast, sure decisions constantly. Anthony studied him. What was wrong? People from the newspaper office had been calling all day, and even Anthony was starting to believe that maybe they had written up some stuff and taken some pictures of the thing, and maybe all that stuff had been erased. But if they had been one hundred percent sure that it wasn't human, they would have taken it to scientists. They hadn't.  
  
Then Anthony figured it out.  
  
"You're afraid of her?" and his tone was incredulous.  
  
Nicholas snorted, but feebly. Anthony stopped pacing and slumped into a kitchen chair next to him. "One hour. Awake or not, we're getting her out of there."  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
"May I ask what you are so occupied with?"  
  
Lianne jumped, startled by the familiar voice. She glanced down at the pen and paper in her hand, then up at Artemis. Stalling, she said, "No, you may not."  
  
Foaly had nearly wept when she asked him for pen and paper - "Technology has advanced to the point where computers can translate vocal vibrations into written text in any known language, and you ask the pioneer of said technological advancement for crude caveman tools like pen and paper!" His braying had been annoying, but when he was done being a pain in the ass he produced the 'crude caveman tools' easily enough.  
  
And the pen was a Parker. You could say all you wanted about Foaly, but the centaur did have classy taste in some things. Lianne had started to ask where he got the pen, but then decided not to.  
  
Artemis' voice - too deep, in Lianne's opinion - sliced through her reverie. "Writing a love letter to - er - John?"  
  
"Letters of condolence to your starstuck lovers," Lianne said, matching his dry tone.  
  
Foaly snickered from a corner of the room, where he was engaged in a conference with Butler, Root, and Trouble.  
  
"You're not listening!" Commander Root bellowed at the centaur.  
  
Artemis resisted the immature urge to stick his tongue out at Foaly.  
  
"And his name is Jake. You can say what you want, but you'll never convince anyone that you forgot his name. You just can't play dumb, Artemis. You're a genius, remember? Or do you want to pretend that you forgot that too?"  
  
Artemis pulled out a chair and sat down beside her. "I've never met anyone who likes to argue as much as you do."  
  
Lianne decided not to reply. She had a feeling whatever she said would be labeled an 'argument.'  
  
Artemis surveyed her, his blue eyes glimmering with a calculating light. "I disposed of all the letters. There were fifteen."  
  
Lianne folded the piece of paper, deliberately shielding it from Artemis' view. It was actually nothing but a drawing of Foaly - she was just one of those people who liked to doodle. In her opinion, she wasn't too good at it. Foaly looked like a bloody mule. But hey, at least she had brains, if not artistic talent, right? And who could pass up the opportunity to draw a centaur from real life?  
  
She had swallowed their tale of an underworld fairy civilization. It wasn't like she had any other choice: the proof was being waved like a red flag in front of her. Foaly, the little men (one of them had an alarmingly ruddy complexion, but the other one was sort of cute, in an undersized sort of way), Butler's nods, and Artemis' steady, confident flow of explanations. In the end, it was Artemis who had convinced her, even more than Foaly. You just couldn't imagine him lying - it seemed to be below him, somehow, the escape of those who weren't quite as smart as he was.  
  
And she understood what was happening. Basically, a fairy, Holly Short, had been captured by humans yesterday afternoon, after killing a troll who had killed a Mud Girl in Disneyland. (Lianne found it funny that humans were called Mud Men. Foaly told her that she was the only Mud Girl he'd met who didn't find it the least bit offending. Lianne told him that she did, a little, but in the end amusement won out.) Holly was then taken to a newspaper office, from which she was taken to a residence some way off. That night, the LEP had two choices: either they erased the data already gathered on Holly, or they rescued Holly. Both couldn't be done at the same time, there had to be at least a twelve-hour interval.  
  
They erased the data. Now it was over twelve hours later, and they faced the same choice. The only thing that kept the fairies from going completely ballistic was the video feedbacks from the fairy who was spying on Nicholas' house. Holly hadn't been taken out of it.  
  
"Were there?" Lianne snapped. "I thought there were thirty-seven." Then the rest of what he said sank in, and she barely concealed her surprise. Disposed of the letters? As in, threw them into the trash can? A few of those letters had been from some very pretty girls, from the large, enchanting eyes to the tall, curvaceous bodies. And since it was Artisan Cliff, they were also talented and quite intelligent. (Lianne had always thought it unfair. You either had beauty or brains, it just wasn't right to give a person both. Unless that person was supremely nice. She knew she belonged in the 'brains' category. Artemis fell under 'both,' which annoyed her to no end. He was not nice. Definitely not.)  
  
Hm. Maybe he didn't know that some of the letters came from worthy candidates for his affection. She almost told him, but decided not to. She assured herself it was only because she didn't want to give the already too- egotistical Fowl the knowledge that pretty, popular girls liked him.  
  
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Now who's playing dumb? I distinctly remember you asking me to read 'letter number sixteen' when you thought that Jake's letter to you was for me. And if memory serves me - and mine always does - you said something like 'fifteen of your damsels' in the commercial shuttle that took us down here. Those are clear indicators of the fact that you counted all the letters."  
  
Lianne tapped her foot soundlessly on the thick crimson carpet and tried to keep her elbow from sliding on the slippery, polished surface of the wooden table. Her grip tightened on the pen and paper in her hand as she said, "So what's your point?" a bit more nastily than necessary. Then she gave up on bracing herself and slumped onto the table, burying her head in her arms. She mumbled something indistinguishable under her breath.  
  
Lianne suddenly felt miserable. She didn't want to be a part of this. She just wanted to go home, perhaps e-mail her brothers, and eat something her mother cooked. She could only imagine how long it would take to smooth over this catastrophe for the fairies. She probably wouldn't be allowed to go home in all that time.  
  
Artemis looked at her. Her long black hair spilled down her back and onto the mahogany table, which was too low for them, but just right for the fairies. Her slim arms, partially obscured by her hair, were bare. But she had been wearing a bracelet earlier. She had lost it sometime during Trouble's capture and their stay here.  
  
The prodigy felt a swift - and rare - stab of regret. Despite everything he said, he knew that it was because of him that Lianne was here, instead of at home, where she was safe and happy and she didn't have to worry about the possible downfall of civilizations. He awkwardly reached out to pat her on the back, but drew away at the last moment. He didn't know why. Perhaps he was afraid to touch her - afraid of her? He frowned and stuck to his first conclusion: he did not know why.  
  
That aggravated him, not knowing. He considered himself a master of his own mind. And of his emotions.  
  
So he said coldly, to cover up his discomfiture, "If you have exhausted yourself with your self-pity, perhaps you'd like to join me in talking to Commander Root. No doubt we are at the center of whatever plot he comes up with to save Holly, and it would be to our benefit if we participated in the making of those plots."  
  
Lianne's head shot up, and she glared at him. "Self-pity? You really do take a perverse pleasure in irritating me, don't you?"  
  
Artemis, his bad mood assuaged by the sparks in Lianne's eyes, said mildly, "Do not flatter yourself."  
  
Lianne seethed. Artemis hid his smile. He said casually, "So what were you writing?" He gestured to the paper and Parker still clamped in her hand.  
  
Lianne said, carefully enunciating each syllable to be sure he understood, "None of your business, Fowl." Then she stood up and made her way over to where Root, Foaly, Butler, and Trouble were huddled.  
  
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~  
  
"Here's what's going to happen," Root announced. "We're not even going to try to get an invitation. Fowl and the girl are going to break into Nicholas Stafford's house, render the Mud Man and the boy with him unconscious, and take Holly out of the house. No time stop there. Because at the same time, there will be a time-stop over the newspaper office, and Butler will break in with a team of fairies, and erase the data. We'll be doing this at around six in the evening. Everyone will still be in the newspaper office. Then they'll all be mindwiped. Stafford, the newspaper people, all of them. They'll be mindwiped."  
  
Artemis caught Root's eye and held it. "Will we?"  
  
Root coughed. "We'll discuss that later." Foaly busied himself removing something from his hoof.  
  
Artemis nodded. "I see."  
  
Lianne didn't enjoy being referred to as 'the girl' but all she said was, "I don't." Still, the cool way she looked over the Commander gave him pause, and made him decide to minimize his dealings with her. Not that he was afraid of her. But he already had his hands full with a prodigy and a bodyguard, and he didn't need more.  
  
Trouble clapped his hands. "We're wasting time! Let's go!" He started ushering Lianne and Artemis out the door. "Me and my brother, Grub, will be the only fairies with you. Everyone else will be at the newspaper office with Butler. And it's past five now. We have to be in California by six . . . "  
  
Root and Butler left after them, talking. "That tactic won't work." "You're right." "If we modify that plan a little, we'll get through this faster." "Yes. So we'll do this . . . "  
  
Outside, Lianne could be heard saying, surprised and delighted, "You mean this will be over by tonight?"  
  
Foaly was left alone in the LEP meeting room.  
  
"If everything goes according to plan," he said aloud. Then the centaur clattered out of the room and into the Operations Booth, to hold everything together, as usual.  
  
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A/N: This took me long enough! Hehe ^_^  
To all my lovely reviewers out there, thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!!!! Keep reviewing! I really appreciate it!  
  
DARK PUCK: If I ever figure out what inspired this story, I'll share it with you first. ^_^  
  
BLOODY DEAD ROSE: Thank you! Except, uh, I didn't exactly update soon. But 'soon' is relative, right? I mean, it could have taken me ten years! Or twenty! ^_^  
  
THAT AERIN: Horny toasters? That's the funniest thing anyone's ever put in a review to me! Hehehe . . . ^_^ Thanks for pointing out that flaw in Root! I hope to remedy it as soon as he gets more lines. ^_^  
  
DARKLIGHT ASCENDANT: Thanks for the review, and the suggestion! I do so love suggestions! ^_^  
  
KALARIAH: Your review made me feel squishy and happy, like I accomplished something as a writer. Hehehe. ^_^ Thanks! Keep reviewing! Please? ^_^  
  
GRIFFIN&SABINE: I love your name! (I think I've said that already, but repetition never hurts.) ^_^  
  
JACK THE RIPPER: You know what? I've reread your review a million times by now. I find it highly interesting. Your perception of Mary Sues is very unique. You ought review BFW or Blue Yeti or Ice Raider. I'm sure they'll give you a powerful response. ^_^ As for me, thank you for the compliment! And I'm impressed by the way you think. You don't give in to conventions - "everyone hates Mary Sues, so I should too" - and I like that. ^_^  
  
THE SPAMINATOR: Your reviews are the highlight of my week! They're so amusing. I find wacky people wonderfully exhilarating. ^_^ Keep reviewing!  
  
THE UNNAMED ONE: Thanks for the compliment on my writing! But although the next chapters are not all written, *looks uneasily around, trying to avoid the glowering stares of everyone who said that they hate cliffhangers* I think Lianne and Artemis will get together. Hopefully. If they can stop arguing. I'm sorry if you don't like that. Check out Blue Yeti's works. They're well-written, and they seldom have romance. ^_^  
  
A/N: Until I get around to updating again! ^_^ 


	7. how hard could it be?

DISCLAIMER: I still don't own any of the characters you recognize from Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl books.

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CHAPTER SEVEN

(_how hard could it be?_)

            Nicholas Patel's house wasn't large, but it looked clean. In a burst of insane levity a few years ago, Nicholas and Anthony had painted it bright orange. Then they came to their senses and covered the house with white paint, and the effect was sort of a pale carroty color.

            Trouble pointed it out to Lianne and Artemis. "There. You two go in, I wait outside. Then you render the Mud Men unconscious, and bring them out. I'll mind wipe them while you get Captain Short."

            Artemis nodded. Lianne looked suspiciously at the house, then at Trouble. "How exactly are we going to render the Mud Men unconscious?"

            "A blow to the head, perhaps. Or –"

            Artemis, seeing Lianne pale, quickly interrupted Trouble. "Or we bring them out of the house alive and kicking, and Captain Kelp can simply mesmerize them. We don't have to inflict physical damage."

            Lianne looked relieved. "That's good. I can live with that."

            Trouble looked approvingly at Artemis. "That's not bad, Mud Boy. Save us the trouble of explaining any bumps on the head." Then he said, "It's five o'clock here. By six we should be done."

            "Why don't we just hold a gun to them?" Lianne asked. Artemis blinked.

            "Because we don't usually keep a stock of your primitive guns ready. I think we have one gun, and no bullets."

            Lianne's voice was surprised. "Well, of course there would be no bullets. We just need to threaten them with an empty gun. We don't want to hurt them."

            "The gun is in Haven. There's no time now to get it. And how hard can it be? You just get them to stand in the doorway. I'll hover behind you and I'll mesmerize them." 

            "When will Butler rejoin us?" Artemis asked.

            "As soon as he's done assisting the fairies erase all the data they've redone or recovered, and as soon as every single Mud Man who's seen or heard of Holly is mind wiped. According to Foaly, using the Mud Man cars, the newspaper office is about thirty minutes from here."

            "Well, let's hurry up," Lianne said. To Artemis' consternation, she was beginning to look excited. "I've never actually done anything like this before."

            Trouble started vibrating, and suddenly he was invisible. He chuckled. "Good luck, Mud Girl. I'm sure Fowl here already has a plan."

            In truth, Artemis didn't. But how hard could it be to get two unsuspecting people outside their house?

~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~

            "You're calling Nicholas Stafford. Sorry I'm not available right now – "

            At the mechanical voice of the answering machine, Anthony was jolted awake. Blearily he looked around the living room.

            "Please leave a message after the beep." Beeeep.

            The tinny sound made Anthony clench his teeth and stumble over to the telephone. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and listened. 

            "Uh, Nick, I don't know if you're sick. You're not returning any of our messages. Your kid said you were watching over that mutated creature Lyon bought. But the cleaning guy fell asleep last night – lazy idiot said he felt like he'd been asleep for hours, but his watch said he'd just been asleep for a few minutes – and he says no one was here. But he's drunk. He says he invited a couple of short guys in last night. Said they were strange-looking. What an idiot. You show the world a mutated creature, and the wackos start popping up with stories of a whole army of look-alikes. Anyway. We think the computers backfired on us. Maybe a virus erased the data, I don't know. It's insane here. We're redoing what we can, but we need to see the creature. Nick, are you there? Or Tony? Tony, if you're there, tell your old man to get here and start working. It's five pm, there's still time to insert the creature into tomorrow's issue. That's it. Nick, the last time you were sick, you went to work anyway. Infected half the staffers with your cold. So unless you're dying, you're not coming to work for another reason. Tony, don't know why you stopped answering the phone, but some of the superstitious folks here are getting nervous. Said we shouldn't have messed with that little creature. It had a creepy gaze, didn't you notice? Call back. Soon. Seriously, Nick, or Tony, one of you call back."

            Anthony waited until the long message was finished, then he put the phone to his ear. He tugged on the phone wires until all he heard was silence, then he dropped the phone and went down to the basement.

            By now the creature had fallen silent, but Nicholas was asleep by the door, standing guard even in his slumber.

            But Anthony was tired of the crazy day. The only sane moment had been his phone call to his foster parents, Richard and Miranda, to tell them that he was extending his stay with Nicholas. A sense of loyalty had kept him from mentioning that his mentor, the editor of a respected newspaper, had gone cuckoo.

            Okay. Say there was a creature. They had no right to keep it imprisoned like that. At least he could give it food. With that in mind, he went to the kitchen, where he found himself at a loss.

            What did it eat? Meat? Milk? Vegetables?

            Anthony eyed the hotdogs warily. What if the creature had fangs, or something? Like a vampire. He didn't want to give it any ideas.

            He inspected the milk carton. Perhaps it would be content with fresh milk. A picture of a little female vampire flashed again into his brain. Maybe it preferred _blood_. He shuddered.

            He winced. All right. He was letting his imagination get the best of him. Stick to the facts, he told himself.

            Still, when he walked back down to the basement, it was a plate of vegetables he was carrying. He hoped the creature would appreciate it.

            He bent to shake Nicholas awake just as the doorbell rang.

            Nicholas jumped up, and the plate of vegetables went flying. Anthony muttered a curse and picked some peas from his hair.

            "What was that?"

            "The doorbell. The people at the newspaper office are probably coming for you," Anthony said. "Why don't you answer it?"

            Nicholas snorted and leaned back against the door. "Credit me with intelligence, Tony. You answer it."

            Anthony narrowed his eyes, but marched back up the stairs. "Maybe one of the other editors can talk some sense into you."

            "Careful, you'll step on an eggplant," Nicholas said mildly.

~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~

            Root was red with anger. Butler was shaking his head.

            A pair of men had emerged from the newspaper office. One of them carried a camera. They caught snatches of the conversation. "Nick… left a message… Tony… thing…" Then before they could do anything, the two were driving off.

            It was a quarter to five. "D'arvit," Root cursed. The car turned a corner and was gone.

            "Maybe they didn't have anything to do with Holly," one of the fairies offered.

            "Keep dreaming," Foaly said on the headset. They could hear him chewing on a carrot.

            Most of the fairies surrounding Butler, invisible, were staring after the car.

"Well, let's get to work," Root bellowed.

            "Those two will be certified insane when we're done," the fairy piped up.

            "I love it when experienced fairies are sent on important missions," Foaly said blithely around his carrot.

            "Shut up," Root snapped. 

~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~

            "I'm a bit confused," Lianne confessed. "Why would the fairy be here? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to redo their articles and pictures in the newspaper office? And why isn't the fairy in a lab right now or something?"

            Artemis pressed the doorbell again, uncomfortably aware of how close Lianne stayed beside him. As if she was a bit wary of what would greet them. "The only explanation is that Holly scared them, somehow. I believe she's locked up somewhere inside, and they're afraid to let her out."

            They heard footsteps, then the door swung open. "Took you long e –"

            A pair of green eyes stared blankly at them from under messy brown hair. He didn't look much older than they were. His clothes were rumpled, as though he had just woken up.

            Artemis checked the walls. White-orange. Yep, this was the right house.

            "Who are you?" the guy asked.

            Lianne smiled brightly. "We're siblings, and we're new here. Our house is, uh, is just around the corner. Our parents want us – er – to invite your family to dinner. We –"

            Suddenly, the guy stopped looking confused and his eyes glazed over. Lianne turned. Trouble was visible, his mechanical wings silent (Lianne had been terribly disillusioned to learn that most of the fairies flew using mechanical wings – she still remembered all the pictures in storybooks of rosy-cheeked fairies with translucent wings.). He was gazing straight into the guy's eyes. 

"Human. Your will is mine."

            Lianne had to shake her head to clear it. Trouble's intonation was sonorous, clear, and, well, mesmerizing.

            "Lead these two to the fairy you captured," Trouble went on, his voice deep and resonant.

            Automatically, he turned and started walking.

            "Hurry up!" Trouble hissed in his normal voice. "This Mud Man is strong-willed. The _mesmer_ won't last. Make sure Holly isn't hurt."

            Lianne and Artemis squeezed together through the doorway and followed the guy. Artemis' mind was working. Siblings? Wouldn't a couple have been more believable? She was insane. They didn't look like siblings at all. She was Asian, he was European. He was disappointed with Lianne. She should have known it would be better to tell the guy that they were dating or something. Siblings. Artemis mentally shook his head. Really.

The brown-haired person led them to some stairs, and began walking down.

            Artemis looked around, his gaze cool and cautious. "Where's the other one?" he murmured to Lianne as they followed down the stairs.

            She remembered that there were two of them in the house. What had Commander Root said? Patel and Roger – Rotgut – Rothgar. Nicholas Patel and Anthony Rothgar. Where was the other one?

            "Don't open the door, guys," a voice called out. From the next room. The kitchen. Lianne and Artemis heard footsteps grow louder. "Seriously. Lyon, if that's you, hold Tony off till I get there. I was just cleaning up that mess he made with the vegeta – "

            Artemis looked at the man who appeared on top of the stairs. He looked back at them, nonplussed.

            "Who the hell are you?" he snapped. "Tony, who are –"

            Artemis suddenly felt someone shove him into the wall. His eyes met clear green ones. Tony? The older one was Nicholas. This was Anthony. And he was lucid again, free of the _mesmer_.

            "What happened?" he half-yelled at Artemis.

            "Mud Boy," drawled a familiar voice. "So Commander Root came to you for help?"

            Anthony's grip loosened as he turned to look. Holly was standing in the doorway of the basement, and Lianne stood beside her, wide-eyed, her hand still on the doorknob.

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A/N: I'm the worst updater in the world, I know. Sorry. What did you think? Please review!

**the black knight:** Thanks for the compliment on my writing skills! ^_^

**Rad Bubblegum with Santa Hat:** I don't usually mention anonymous reviewers, but I think your name is funny. ^_^ Thanks... and yep, this definitely took me long enough. ^_^

**That Aerin: **Hehe… ^_^  Thanks for the 'spiffy' review. Congratulations on getting "Cry" posted on sugarquill.com. ^_^  I simply loooove reading your reviews. More power to your league of horny toasters! The mention of an eggplant in this story is in your honor! ^_^

**Kelsey: **Holly and Trouble aren't the focus of this fic, but yes, it's H/T. ^_^

**TheSpaminator:** Thanks for the funny review! You know, after awhile, threats aren't so threatening anymore. But I offer you a personal apology for taking so long to update. ^_^

**Artemis the Hunter:** Marshmallow army? ^_^ That goes up there with That Aerin's league of horny toasters. ^_^ Hehe, you lost me too… but thanks for the review!

**glow-in-the-dark:** Awww… no more stars in your name? ^_^ Hehe… thanks for the review. I'll try to update soon, but you know me. ^_^

**bluecocoagir:** I'd have liked it if you told me what I missed… maybe you could e-mail me. Thanks for the tactful review! (I wasn't being sarcastic, I swear.) ^_^

**Mage Kitty:** Nothing's better to read than a review telling me that I actually stirred up amusement in someone. ^_^ Thanks for reviewing! Sorry I didn't update 'soon'!

**kalariah:** You're another reviewer whose reviews I simple loooove to read. ^_^  Thanks for mentioning the error… I explained it in this chapter, I hope, in the part where one of the newspaper editors leaves a message on the answering machine. ^_^ Thanks for the compliment! Being able to keep people guessing is good, isn't it? ^_^

**Solaris Isa:** Thanks! Lianne and Artemis will definitely get together. I hope there was at least a hint of romance in this chapter. ^_^

**CleopatraK:** Thanks! I'll try to update soon. But you know, there are a lot of great A/H fics out there. As many as the great non-A/H fics! Start reading! ^_^

**Happynutcase:** Thanks!!! I must apologize for my atrocious updating habits. I hope you keep reviewing even though it took me a few months to get this out! ^_^

A/N: Keep reviewing! Thanks to all you people who bother to read my fic! ^_^


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